FAT is a bad word....

I've been getting a lot of questions regarding my weight loss and how did I do it? Before I can answer that question, I thought I'd share a little bit about my struggle with weight.

If you know me personally, you'll know that I've been battling my weight for quite some time now.  Due to an irregular menstrual cycle at age 17, I was put on birth control pills. In a matter of six months I sky rocketed from a size 5 to a size 13. I heard that birth control pills could make you gain weight but wow, that was a huge gain for my 4'11 body frame. I stopped the pills immediately and tried to lose the weight the best I knew how. Long story short, I've been on yo-yo diets the rest of my life.. diet pills? Yes did those too... You name the diet, I've been on it.  I hated to exercise so that alone was a challenge. I have a very slow metabolism and so if I didn't eat the right food or exercised, I'd gain weight so fast.  Eventually I was able to get back to a size 4 but then I gained it all back again and more! I never thought weight would consume such a big part of who I was but it did.

I've always been a very personable, bubbly person with a huge smile and always with a positive outlook on life.  My weight slowly became an issue and even I wasn't ready for it. When I was a Freshman in college, one of my female cousin was doing a comparison of a girl who had "gotten soooo fat" and when asked how fat? She said.. "like Sheng" and the worst part was that I was standing right there as she pointed directly at me. How can people just be so out right rude? I never understood that... (I was only a size 5 mind you) but I was considered fat! Even after I was married, people would just come up to me and ask if I was pregnant or why I was so fat? Even an 8 year old girl asked "Why are you so fat?". This is why FAT is a bad word in my household. I never wanted my son to ever be part of this kind of hatred so to us, it's considered a bad word. It's a word that hurt me for so long and I never want him or anyone around him to feel the way I did. If you are around him and happen to say that word, be ready for him to tell you that it's a bad word, because honestly, it is.

You know what got to me the most? Internally, I am a very secure and confident person and I will fight to the end to protect my integrity, my achievements in life, my loved ones, my friends and my family, but when faced with the word FAT, I just crumbled. I had no response, no comeback and no fight in me. The only reaction I got were immediate tears and my heart ripped in half. While I cried to myself, I always asked, why do people only see my exterior? Am I that bad? Am I not good enough because I don't fit into their mold of perfection? I allowed society to dictate who I should be and after hearing it for so long, I've learned (so I thought) to deal with it.  My solution? I avoided everyone and every event that involved people I knew would talk about my weight without any sense of compassion or respect for me as a human being. I don't usually cry in front of them but I do to myself or to Prince.  Oh well, I guess I am fat and that's all people saw.  My close friends and family knew what I was going through and always reminded me that I am better then my exterior appearance (and that they don't see what others see) but it was too late... I was already seeing the person that all those other people saw... A fat, ugly, short and good for nothing person.

I was so hard on myself because I started to see what everyone else saw. I would tear myself apart first so I wouldn't be so hurt if anyone was to mention my weight (which they usually do). My self esteem was so low when it came to weight and I had no way out.  I was depressed for so long and I started to see the ugly person they all saw in the mirror.  I didn't like what I saw and one day I looked at myself and I said "You are ugly and that's why they all hate you" and omg, I believed it. I guess if I told myself that I was ugly then no one else can hurt me anymore.  I knew it became a problem when Prince would tell me how beautiful I was and I'd walk away telling myself that he was lying..how could he love someone like me.. fat and ugly? Tears rolled down my face but I knew I could never tell him that I hated myself or that I also believe that I was fat and ugly. If you tell someone your flaws then that's all they'll see right? So I never told him.

I often asked myself why do I hate myself so much when others already do? Why don't I love myself? And if I don't love myself, am I truly loving Prince and Aidan enough?? That was a major dose of reality for me! I knew that I wasn't giving my family 110% of myself because I didn't even know who I was anymore..  I am what society believes that I am right? ........... I was stuck and I had no way out! Relatives stopped inviting us to their house for luncheons or get togethers because I always made an excuse not to attend.  I stopped dressing up in hopes that I wouldn't be the center of attention anywhere I went.  I stopped doing my makeup because it didn't help if I was still fat. I was so depressed that I let myself go and I was at my highest weight I'd ever been at.......and I knew I had to change otherwise I was going to self-destruct. I had to find a way back to who I truly was inside....

But how?

There were a lot more from my past, aside from my weight that I had to face. It started out with joining a Biggest Loser contest with some of my cousins and nyabs.  I told myself, if I'm going to try and change, this is it. I had been on so many diets that I knew what worked for my body and what didn't.  I compiled a little bit from the 17 day diet to the The Good Belly Fat book and a few things I had to take out of my lifestyle like white rice (I no longer own a rice cooker).  After 3 to 4 months of a major lifestyle change, commitment, determination and eating all the right foods, I lost approx 30lbs (Btw, I also won the challenge coming out with 600.00!)

During this time, I had started attending CCCH church and I also found love through Jesus Christ.  I may have lost the weight but I can honestly say that I did not find myself until I found god.  I've always known about John 3:16 but I never understood the true meaning behind it. I also learned that God created us in his image and guess what folks? Only god is perfect... and if I was created in his image then that must mean that I am perfect too....exactly how he made me to be! What a revelation I had....Slowly I started to look back into the past, the people who had hurt me and I started to see that those exact people were the ones who were even worse then me (Again, hurt people hurt others). I finally saw why they were hurting me and it had absolutely nothing to do with me or my weight! Slowly I started to accept who I was and the decisions I had made.  I had to make it right with myself so I did some major cleanup with others that I had wronged along the way because my focus was only on myself and how depressed I was.  Once I found myself and started to love myself again, it was as if I was re-born again.  I stepped outside my body (Like Ghost of Christmas Past) and saw my whole life flash before my eyes.  I couldn't believe how people had treated me but mostly I couldn't believe how I was treating myself! I didn't even love myself so why would others? It was my AH-HA moment and after that, I made a decision that I will start to get to know myself again so I can love the person that god created so perfectly well.  I have to be that ultimate role model for my son and anyone who crosses my path.

My story is long.... yes longer then this blog haha...and if you ever want to know, I don't mind sharing in full details but for those who had asked about my weight loss, it had everything to do with what I ate, my soul, my life, my revelation with Jesus Christ and ultimately loving myself again. I will never allow anyone to make me feel the way I did before because I am better then that. I need to protect this body that god created because I am his child and I need to respect it as well. I am perfect because I was created in the image of God himself and I love myself! Wow, it feel so good to say that!

Diet:

I don't diet.... It's a lifestyle change now.  I don't eat a lot of carb nor do I eat or drink a lot of sweet. I don't drink alcohol and I don't eat past 7pm.  I eat breakfast everyday (oatmeal) and I follow it up with green tea after every meal.  I also don't eat fruits after 2pm because although they are good sugar, its still a sugar and if you are not very active, the sugar will slowly turn into carbs and after 3pm, your body is slower in breaking down sugar (Keep in mind that sugar goes directly to your abdomin/stomach area and if that area gets too big, it can result in diabetes).  I try and eat a larger lunch and a smaller dinner because you get to work off what you eat at lunch during the day.  I always try to add in at least 1 fat for the day such as almonds, avocado, peanut butter or olive oil. I also use Flax Seed in my oatmeal sometimes too. This is what works for my body and may not work for others.  Make sure you consult a physician if you need to lose a lot of weight but commitment is key and never give up on yourself.  I was borderline diabetes so I had to make a change otherwise it would have been a health issue for me.  I don't exercise a lot but I do try to walk at least 4 to 5 miles a day whenever possible. I live across from a park so I just walk around it a few times with my ipod in hand.  NOTE: Drink lots of water!

I am so happy with myself today and I want to say thanks to my friends, family and new friends for always complimenting me and for always standing by me.  I finally believe it and feel so good about it when I read positive feedbacks. I don't need it anymore (like I used to) but it sure does feel good to hear it. I've learned to turn my negative into a positive and something to learn from. It's an experience I will never change because it has made me who I am today. I am so proud of my accomplishment and I am not ashamed of my past nor am I blaming anyone anymore. I am free and I am better then ever...

This is also how "Beauty For Ashes" came into fruition, from my own life story and personal struggles to sharing it with you and helping anyone I could through the love of god and the new love I found inside me. I dress up everyday for myself and it feels great!

Thanks for reading...

- Sheng